Living In The Past?

Living In The Past?

                                                                            

Over the last few months I have been thinking a lot about the past.  I have been thinking about my life, and how much it has changed.  I have been thinking about the choices I have made for the last 18 years, decisions that have shaped my life.  Most of the choices that I have made helped me to have the great life that I now enjoy.  I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world, I have a job that I love, and I am truly blessed with great friends.

However, I also realize that I have made some poor choices in my life.  I made these choices because I did not know how to handle those situations.  In making those choices people got hurt.  It was never intentional to hurt those people, but nevertheless they got hurt.  Over the last few months I have reached out to quite a few of those that I hurt, to apologize for my actions.  Some have forgiven me, some have not, and some did not even remember what had happened.  There is just one person left to reach out to.

  Most of you know of whom and what I speak of, so I won’t go into details here.  I know it’s been almost 18 years, but the guilt still remains.  For almost a year I have I tried to send this person my apology.  Debra has even helped me with this letter.  However, over the last year there has been so much illness and other factors that my priorities had to shift and take care of these issues first.  Now that most of those issues, with the exception of the illness have been resolved, I can go back to all the things I had to put on the back burner. 

I guess the reason I am now hesitant to finish this apology and see it through to the end is because I may be a little scared.  What I did to her all those years ago was the worst thing I have ever done in my life.  And to top it all off I never even said, “I’m sorry” once to her.  I am not sure if I am scared because of all the emotions that it will bring up for both of us, the fact that she will react negatively for never giving her the explanation and closure she deserved, or that she will  refuse to even read or acknowledge my apology.

I know that she is happy in her life, as am I.  It is not my intention to hurt her.  I just want her to know how sorry I am for everything that I have done to her.  I guess I will just have to get over my fear and do it.